How to find love: Struggling with modern dating?

In today’s fast-paced world, finding love can feel like searching for a needle in a haystack. The quest for a meaningful connection is often flawed by the challenges of modern dating: the dreaded ghosting, the disappointment of being stood up, or the fizzling out of what seemed like a promising connection. If you’re single and feeling disheartened, you’re not alone. But take heart – there are effective strategies you can employ to find the love you’re looking for, and hiring a dating and relationship coach can provide the support you need.

Tips for finding love

Embrace a positive mindset

The first step in finding love is to develop a positive mindset. It’s easy to become cynical or discouraged after a series of disappointing dates, but negativity can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Approach each new interaction with an open heart and mind. Remember, every date is a learning experience that brings you closer to finding the right person. Visualise the kind of relationship you want and maintain a hopeful outlook.

Be authentic

Authenticity is crucial in dating. In a world where online profiles and social media can come across as ‘fake’, being genuine is refreshing and attractive. Be yourself and let your true personality shine through. Share your interests, passions, and quirks. When you’re authentic, you’re more likely to attract someone who appreciates you for who you truly are. Avoid boasting – I often come across profiles where people are determined to let you know they have money – I find it incredibly off-putting, and it shows a lack of confidence on their part! You are not for everybody, and everybody is not for you, and that’s OK! Just be yourself, show you are confident and positive, and you’ll be far more attractive to a potential partner.

Improve your dating profile

If you’re using dating apps, your profile is your first impression. Make it count. Use clear, recent photos that show you in a variety of settings. Write a bio that reflects your personality and what you’re looking for in a partner. Avoid clichés and be specific about your interests and values. A well-written profile can help attract like-minded individuals and filter out those who aren’t a good fit. Avoid negative statements – state what you are looking for clearly, be upbeat in your tone and use assertive language. I see some shocking dating profiles! If you want to find love, then make an effort! Think of it as the equivalent of creating a CV for a job you want! Put your best points forward, smile in your pictures and choose photos that are modest and without filters. Try to inject some humour into your profile, this always catches my attention. I often use an A-to-Z list to illustrate who I am as a person. I use positive adjectives as well as hobbies and interests. It’s slightly more interesting and stands out from the crowd!

Be proactive

Don’t wait for the perfect match to come to you – take the initiative. Swipe right, and send the first message. Show interest and be willing to make the first move. Being proactive demonstrates confidence and can set you apart from others. However, there's a fine line between being too keen and not keen enough! I’ve had guys ask me out on a date in the first couple of emails (way too fast!) and guys who seem to want a pen pal and it turns into an exchange of what we’re doing each day – which becomes tedious! After a few initial emails that sound promising, suggest a video chat, intending to arrange an in-person meeting if the video chat goes well. In the past, I emailed potential dates for weeks, and then when I met them in person, it was a disappointment.

Video chat is the way forward – there is nothing worse than arriving on a date and in the first 10 seconds, you'll know if this is not going anywhere. Personally, I’m polite, and I would sit and have a chat for an hour or so, I can chat with anybody, although I know some people can be brutal, doing a quick U-turn and saying, "You’re not for me" and walk off! I can only imagine how awful that would be for someone, which is why I would always be respectful and polite. You may not be physically attracted to them, but you can at least spare an hour for a chat (obviously if the person is rude or disrespectful, I’d advise leaving promptly, no explanation needed!). If you’ve had a few chats via email and a video chat, you’ll have a much clearer idea as to whether the date is likely to be successful, saving any awkwardness or embarrassment. If you don't like using video chat, try organising a phone call before you meet up in person.

Communicate clearly

Effective communication is key to building a connection. Be clear about your intentions and expectations. If you’re looking for a serious relationship, don’t be afraid to make that clear. At the same time, be respectful and considerate of the other person’s feelings. Honest and open communication can prevent misunderstandings and help you find someone who shares your goals. It is easy to be tempted to drink alcohol on a first date, to ease the nerves! I get it, I’ve done it too. However, for a first date, a lunchtime coffee is a far better bet! The absence of alcohol makes it easier to get to know the real person, it’s easy to miss ‘red flags’ when you’ve had a few drinks, or for things to physically progress much quicker than is advisable, and you will be more in control of what you do and say! There is nothing worse than a person starting to get drunk during a date, and then starting to talk about their ex! Avoid talking about anything heavy on a first date and avoid talk of ex’s completely! Also avoid subjects such as marriage, whether you want children – it will scare people off and it comes across as very needy!

Handle rejection gracefully

Rejection is inevitably part of dating, learn to see rejection as a redirection. It simply means that the person wasn’t the right fit for you. Don’t take it personally, and deter you from continuing your search. Each rejection brings you one step closer to finding the right match. When you are the person doing the rejecting, always show sensitivity and respect – think how you’d feel if you were on the receiving end of being rejected and be kind!

Plan meaningful dates

When you do match with someone, plan dates that allow you to get to know each other better. Choosing activities such as a coffee date, a walk in the park, bowling or visiting a museum encourages conversation and connection. Meaningful dates help you determine compatibility beyond superficial attraction. I will repeat, avoid alcohol – a date during the day is preferable to an evening date – for the first meeting. My suggestion for the first date: make it short and casual – 60 to 90 minutes. You’ll then know whether you want a second date and can then arrange something that suits you both. Avoid the cinema for the first few dates, you can’t get to know somebody watching a film!

Manage expectations

It’s important to manage your expectations. Not every date will lead to a relationship, and that’s OK. Focus on enjoying the process and learning about yourself and what you want in a partner. Lowering unrealistic expectations can lead to more fulfilling interactions and less disappointment. Try hard not to have too rigid a list of requirements! Nobody is perfect, including you, relationships are about compromise. I know of people whose requirements are so specific and include many physical attributes they consider essential, such as being a particular height or having a certain hair colour. Yes, we all have our preferences but try not to be too descriptive in your search, or you may miss meeting the person of your dreams, as they are half an inch shorter than you’d like!

The role of a dating and relationship coach

Navigating the dating world can be daunting, but you don’t have to do it alone. Hiring a dating and relationship coach can provide invaluable support and guidance. Here’s how I, as a coach and mentor can help. I can provide you with:

Personalised advice - I offer tailored advice based on your unique situation. I can help you identify patterns that may hold you back and provide strategies to overcome them.

Profile optimisation - I can assist in creating an engaging and effective dating profile. I can help highlight your best attributes and remove anything that will be seen as negative by a potential partner.

Communication skills - Improving your communication skills is a big area, this is the biggest reason relationships break down or don’t get off the ground in the first place! Some suggestions to improve communication include:

• Develop active listening skills - Learning to truly listen to your partner, ensuring that you understand their needs and feelings can help build trust and intimacy in a relationship.
• Expressing yourself clearly - Learn to articulate your thoughts and feelings in a way that is honest and respectful. I can help you practice scenarios to enhance your ability to communicate effectively. Use assertive language and avoid aggression and passive communication.
• Conflict resolution strategies - Improve your ability to handle disagreements and conflicts constructively and healthily. This includes learning to stay calm, negotiate, and reach mutually satisfying solutions.
• Building emotional intelligence - Enhance your ability to recognise and manage your emotions and those of your partner. Develop empathy and understanding, which are crucial for healthy communication.
• Creating healthy boundaries - Understand the importance of setting and respecting boundaries within a relationship. I can guide you on how to clearly communicate your limits and needs to your partner, creating mutual respect and understanding.

Navigating the modern dating scene can be challenging, but it's not an impossible task. Despite the hurdles of ghosting, disappointing dates, and missed connections, there are effective strategies to help you find the love you're seeking. Embrace a positive mindset, be authentic, improve your dating profile, and be proactive in your search. Clear communication, handling rejection gracefully, planning meaningful dates, and managing your expectations are all crucial components in your journey.

Remember, you don't have to do this alone. As a dating and relationship coach, I can offer personalised advice, help optimise your profile, and enhance your communication skills. From teaching active listening and expressing yourself clearly to conflict resolution and creating healthy boundaries, I can provide the support and guidance you need.

Start your journey towards finding a healthy, loving relationship now!